


letters between the soldier and the spy

by capswidcws



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-11-25 21:22:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20918816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capswidcws/pseuds/capswidcws
Summary: what happens when natasha decides to sacrifice herself for the soul stone? and what is steve's reaction to her sacrifice?





	1. to: steve

Steve-

By the time you open this letter, I’ll be gone, but you’ll have the soul stone.

You’ll have a chance, a chance to bring everyone back. I’ll be gone and you’ll be blaming yourself for not stopping me, for letting me go to Vormir. Maybe by the time you read this you’ll have brought everyone back and maybe because of that you’ll believe, like me, that everything we’ve done- it was worth it. But definitely- my sacrifice was necessary.

I know you’ll come to agree with that.

We’ve known since day one that there are risks to being the protectors of our planet. That every mission could bring death. No, we’ve simply been lucky, staying alive and well and whole.

I’ve known since Nebula told us about Vormir that it had to be me. That it would be me, no questions asked. You heard how Thanos arrived on Vormir with his daughter but left without her, only coming back with the Soul Stone in hand.

But there’s something else _you_ need to know. I did not die because of you.

I did not choose to sacrifice myself willingly. It had to be done, and you know it. Sure, you could have tried to stop me from boarding the jet. Maybe you could go back in time and try to change everything but know this: had I not taken this leap of faith, it wouldn’t just be half the universe dying this time. It’d be the whole universe.

Better one person dead than all, right Steve?

Steve. I never go around to calling you by your first name much.

I’ve had this coming for a long time now. My ledger is still dripping, gushing with red, and now it’s going to be wiped clean. All those innocent people I killed when I was working for the Red Room, I'm about to avenge them. That _is _my job, isn't it? To avenge the fallen?

A few years back- no- a decade back, God, time had passed quickly, I asked you if it was down to me to save your life if you’d trust me to do it. You said yes. Back then, it meant the world to me, but now it’s my driving force.

You can’t die, Steve, because I wouldn’t be able to live if you did. So now, trust me again when I say that I’ve saved your life. I’ve fulfilled my end of the bargain, but now it’s time for you to fulfill yours.

Be honest with me, Steve, have I really made that big an impact on the world? Is my name known all over? Do I have an exhibit in the Smithsonian? No. I’ve been expendable since day one and you know that. You _know_ that.

God, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. We’re doing the time heist in a few hours and I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep. You, Tony, Clint, Thor, Bruce, Maria, Fury, Coulson, Laura, the kids- you’re all my family, and yet you’re the only person I’m writing a letter to. Maybe you won’t get this letter before the final fight. Maybe you’ll lose it somewhere and you’ll never read this, but please, in the small chance that you get this, tell everyone that I love them.

Tell everyone that this- this is the endgame.

Tell them that it was necessary, that special circumstances- they bring sometimes unwanted solutions, solutions that do not always result in a win-win.

But most importantly, tell everyone to live their lives. After everything you’ve been through, you deserve it. I wish I had more time in this world. More time to be with you.

But time is a scarcity, it seems.

Isn’t it ironic? America’s golden boy and the former Russian assassin? The man who’s lived too long and the woman who couldn’t?

You’ve been by my side for so long, Steve. So long. I don’t even know what to think. Maybe I should feel plain aggravation when I see that perfect face of yours. Maybe I shouldn’t be able to stand going on missions with you anymore. Funny thing is, and I never thought it would take death for me to say this, but all I feel for you when I see you is love. Of course, it’s easier for me to say this because I don't have to see your reaction. I’m afraid death has rendered that impossible.

But Steve, I love you so much, more than you will ever know. You’re in the room next to mine and all I want to do is crawl under your sheets with you and let you hold me, let you assure me that everything will be alright, but I can’t. It’s too hard.

If I do that, I might not be able to make the sacrifice tomorrow.

So I will say it again. For you, for me, for _us_.

I love you, Steven Grant Rogers. I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you. When I die, you’ll be the last thought that crossed my mind.

But don’t let this hinder you from living your life. Do me a favor, Steve, do more than just staying alive. Be alive. Go get a life. I can’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t either. So go get that girl. She’s not a nurse, but you’re not a SHIELD agent. You’re human. And humans have the right to start over.

Whatever it takes, Steve. Whatever it takes. And no matter what you do, watch your six. I don’t want to see you_ that_ soon.

\- N


	2. the peanut butter sandwich

Steve stared at the sheet of creased paper in his shaking hand, resisting the urge to let any tears fall down his cheeks. It was as if his neck had lost all its bones; his head hung down in defeat, in misery, in longing. Longing for Natasha's soft, comforting touch, her relentless teasing, just _her_.

It wasn't like Steve hadn't gotten over Natasha's death- he wasn't in denial, he wasn't angry anymore, although he had been a few weeks ago. A red rage had coursed through his veins, and every single second of his life was an irritation. It had gotten better for a while, but one day, when he was feeling especially down, tried to make a peanut butter sandwich. It wasn't the same, though. Not when it wasn't Natasha's hands that had cut the bread, Natasha's hands that had spread the peanut butter. The sandwich was bland, dry, and it angered Steve.

He tried to close his eyes, to sink into the darkness behind his eyelids and savor the taste of the sandwich, reveling in all his memories. He tried to think of the time Natasha had threatened to chuck a sandwich at his head, but instead of coaxing out even a bitter laugh, the memory was soap in his eyes, stinging them and bringing out pools of unstoppable tears. Memories flooded into Steve's mind, all the mornings he'd leaned against the kitchen door, simply watching at Natasha's nimble hands turned two pieces of plain bread into a piece of art.

Call him obsessed, call him a stalker, but Steve knew Natasha was aware of his presence in the early mornings. After all, she'd always offered half of her sandwich to him.

Why couldn't everything just be the same? Why couldn't he just have Natasha back here, in his arms, all their love and respect for each other wrapping them up in a snug bundle? Frustration caused him to throw the sandwich clear across the room, and it hit the glass of his office with a dull thud, sliding down slowly and leaving a small smear of peanut butter in its trail. Steve had sullenly trudged over and knelt down to pick it up, knowing that throwing a temper tantrum was not the way to deal with the emotions swirling around inside him, just waiting to explode.

For a man who had endured an entire century of change, Steve adapted at a snail's pace at this turn of events.

_It was necessary_, Natasha had said. _It was worth it._

_No!_ Steve wanted to scream at her with his bottled up fury. _It was never worth it. Nothing will ever amount to your death._

But he knew better. He knew that without her sacrifice, Clint's children wouldn't have a father. He knew that without her sacrifice, they would not have won the battle against Thanos.

He knew that without her sacrifice, Natasha wouldn't have admitted that she loved him.

Elation had rushed through his chest as he read those three words.

_I love you_, Natasha had said.

_I love you too_, Steve wanted to say back. _More than you will ever know._

But those wouldn't be the right words, would they? Because he couldn't say those words anymore, he realized.

_I loved you._

No. That wouldn't be right, either. Because Steve still loved Natasha, even though she was dead, just as he loved Peggy after he emerged from the ice. Three words, wasn't enough though. It would never be enough for him to express his feelings for Natasha. 

An idea dawned on him.

What if he wrote a letter to Natasha? Maybe she would never get it, and maybe she really was gone, but Steve didn't care. He was going to write a letter.

He settled down at his desk, heart beating as if he were going into battle. His old fountain pen touched paper, and Steve began to write.

~

_ Nat- _

_ It’s been two weeks since you and Tony died. Two weeks with neither of your presences surrounding me tightly like a blanket.  _

_ His funeral was yesterday. _

_ Natasha, you have been at my side every single second of my time here, in the present, or should I say, you were. _

_ So when we watched Tony’s heart being released onto the lake, I expected you to be there. You were next to me when Fury died. You were next to me when I saw Bucky for the first time in seventy years. You were next to me in Wakanda, when the snap happened. _

_ But yesterday, you weren’t there. _

_ For some twisted reason, I expected your hand to reach out and and grab mine, to give it a small squeeze, for you to extend an arm to wrap around my waist and calm my heart. _

_ Yes, I’m scared. I’m so scared. For the first time in my life, I have no compass. I don’t have Peggy, I don’t have Tony, and most importantly, I don’t have you. _

_ You were always there for me when I needed you most. I guess you broke your streak yesterday. The space beside me felt so empty, void of your presence. It felt… wrong.  _

_ I have always needed you most. There is no denying that now. You were telling me what to say, when to say it, how to use these unfamiliar new pieces of technology, things I didn’t have in the 40’s. Without you, I would have been lost, strayed off the path, never able to find my way back. But now, I know my way around. I know how to act. I know how to use this tech. But now, since you’re not here, I don’t even know how to string two words together. I can’t walk, I can’t breathe, you being gone- it’s slowly suffocating me.  _

_ God, I miss you so much. I’ll never see your smile, hear your snide remarks, your teasing about my age. _

_ I’ll never be able to just have dinner with you, in silence, because we both know each other's boundaries. I’ll never be able to fight with you again or play pranks on the team. _

_ Because of this, I know that I’ll never really live again. I know you told me to get a life, but you were my life. Natasha Romanoff, you were my life and I can’t live without you. _

_ I can’t believe it’s taken your death for me to say this, but I love you and I always will. You knew that though, didn’t you? _

_ When we went on the run and we shared a room, didn’t you ever feel a magnet pull you toward me? Because I did, It was hard to resist, but I did. I thought I knew your boundaries. _

_ But could we have, though? If I hadn’t resisted the pull and instead climbed onto your bed, under your sheets with you, could we have had everything we dreamed of? Would you have tackled me to the floor and told me to keep a distance or would you have curled into my side and let me in? _

_ So many questions left unanswered, so many questions I need answers to. But your dead body can’t give them to me, can they? Hell, your dead body won’t even get this letter. _

_ Shit, Natasha, why did you have to pull a stunt on me- on us- like that? Goddamn, it wasn’t even your ledger- that was wiped clean years ago. Ten years, Nat. We knew each other for ten years and all that time, all you talked about was redemption, paying the price for killing so many people when your killing wasn’t even your choice.  _

_ I had five times the amount of time with you than I had with Peggy, yet it felt twice as short. Why does time feel the need to play this many tricks on us? Why can’t it just let me live a life with the people I love? Why can’t you just come back? _

_ Please? _

_ Because I don’t know what to do if you don’t. I don’t know how to navigate life without you. Who’s going to make me laugh? Who’s going to bring the team together after these disasters in succession? Who’s going to give me a path, a purpose to live? _

_I need you back, Natasha. You told me it would work. You_ promised_ me. But guess what? You were wrong. It didn’t work. I don’t have my family. _

_ Come back. I’m begging you. _

_ Please. _

Steve watched as the salty tear that had rolled down his cheek hit the paper and blot out his last word. The ink spread out on the page, extending its spindly arms like the shadow of a squid.   


_ Please. _


End file.
